There is arguably nothing more important in this world than love and the close relationships we share in our lives. When we truly feel love and connection with our partner, it seems that every possibility is available to us.

However, each of us comes from an entirely different background. We were raised by individuals who also came from different backgrounds. And we must understand this not only in marriage but in all of our relationships.

Whether we realize it or not, our experiences growing up caused us to make some decisions about relationships at an early age. If our relationships are to succeed, it is vital to discover what we learned.

As humans, we have a tendency to project our own ideals on others believing that if they do not think the way we do there must be something wrong. What often goes unrealized is that we are all individuals with different backgrounds and we can learn from one another. This acceptance and appreciation can open up new ways of thinking, enriching our experiences and our lives.

Pre-marital counseling can help you uncover the limiting beliefs you have about yourself in relationships and discover ways to change so that you and your partner can be there for each other, provide what you each need, and be at your best in good times and bad.

Lust, Like, and Love —
The Three Ingredients of a Successful Relationship

Lust, like, and love are the three ingredients that need to be in place for a relationship to succeed. The confusing thing is that the lust is often confused with love. But there is a distinction between the two.

One way to think about this is in terms of proximity. Lust is something that occurs at a distance. We see someone from afar, we are attracted to their body, the way they move. We lust for them mostly in our imaginations. Love is close up. We get intimate with someone, we find out their history, the discrete aspects of their life. We fall in love with them in the closeness.

While lust may seem like it fades, it does not. It is joined by the liking that occurs with closeness. This is where a courtship is necessary. Each of us needs to get to know the other before making a commitment. Once a commitment is made, then love can begin to grow.

Now, I know the word commitment scares a lot of people. Commitments can be seen as a burden rather than a heartfelt obligation. If you are committed to someone you are obligated to them as well.

What people often miss is that commitment and obligation are conducive to living a rich and rewarding life. Being obligated to another person's life turning out as well as your own is an extremely powerful and uplifting experience. And a critical ingredient for a successful, lasting marriage is the dedication of each partner to the well-being, growth, and enrichment of the other.

Loving someone means loving them for who they are, what they represent, and what they believe. You are there to promote that person's life and being, not to suppress it so that it works for you. Your partner has a history that you must honor and nurture, not dismiss or try to make it what you want. We must honor one another's background and be open to it so that we can learn and grow together.

It takes extra work and can make life twice as challenging at times, but the rewards are exponential!

The Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling

Unfortunately, most people spend more time planning their wedding ceremony than the practicalities of making their relationship work and grow. But open communication and planning is an integral part of not only making a relationship last, but for keeping the love and excitement alive throughout the years.

Pre-marital counseling can be crucial to creating the relationship you desire and keeping it strong into the future. And like other types of prevention, the best way to stop problems and issues from arising is to be pro-active.

If you are considering a committed relationship, you may want to ask yourselves the following questions:

• Why do you want to get married? What's driving you?
• Are you moving toward marriage or away from being single?
• What are your expectations? What is the unstated contract you intend your partner to uphold?
• How well do you know yourself and how well do you know your partner?
• What is the cost to you to be in this relationship?

Asking difficult questions — acknowledging where and what types of problems might arise before they do — can be the key to a lifetime of love and happiness. And pre-marital counseling can not only help you ask the questions but answer them together openly and honestly.

Without relationships, our lives remain stagnant. But when we engage with others and enter relationships with openness and curiosity, we bring ourselves to another person and allow them to bring themselves to us, enriching both lives in the process.

I congratulate you on finding someone you want to share your life with. The next step is to make sure it will be the best life it can be. Please contact me today at 650-949-0456 or therapist@martielvebak.com to find out how to ensure the success of your relationship.