Life is Defined by Our Relationships —
Why Not Make Yours the Best it Can Be?

Are you feeling stuck, angry, lonely, hurt, or disappointed in your relationship? Are you afraid of the consequences of speaking your mind or tired of saying the same things over and over, frustrated that your partner doesn't really hear you or isn't even trying to listen? Are you afraid your relationship will end if you stand up for yourself? Do you feel judged, unable to "do it right," defeated even when you try your hardest?

Are you stuck in the same patterns, the same pitfalls each of you fall into? Do you find yourself feeling deeply hurt over certain kinds of things your partner does?

Most of us get married in order to have a reliable source of love and affection, as well as security. We want a companion, a lover, a defender, and an admirer. Someone who will be there when we're scared and not just when we're on top of the world. Often, our deeper hope is that we find someone who will accept us for who we are so that we can relax and just be ourselves without being self-conscious.

Sometimes — even in solid relationships — we can use some help getting through a particularly difficult time. You know you want the relationship to work, but the current circumstances seem overwhelming or unbearable. Professional and financial difficulties, illness, in-law intrusions, and parenting issues can all stress even the most solid relationships. But these situations often present the best times to seek help, get back on track, and move forward with the strength two people can provide each other.

However, there are some conflicts that can turn a good relationship into a nightmare. You start not liking who you turn into with your partner. You may become quiet and withdrawn, or nasty and argumentative. You end up complaining about everything because you are at the end of your rope. Or you throw up your hands in defeat, grumbling with resentment. And, the emptiness and aloneness can be despairing.

If your relationship isn't at its best, you may find yourself:

• Stuck in recurring beliefs and attitudes (such as "I'm not good enough." or "I don't deserve support.")
• Lacking flexibility
• Experiencing excess stress
• Caught in limiting behaviors
• Consumed with negative emotions (fear, anger, sadness)
• Unable to communicate effectively
• Unaware of your resources and abilities to change

Couples therapy can help you and your partner resolve all of these issues.

The Therapeutic Relationship —
Help Your Relationship Be the Best it Can Be

My name is Marti Elvebak, and for nearly twenty years I've been helping couples reclaim their relationship, rediscover the love they have for one another, and move forward in life together to create the future they desire.

The very nature of relationship is to develop a rhythm and a set of expectations. We adapt to each other on a cellular level, our nervous systems habituate together. We adjust to each other and begin to form a comfortable set of patterns that form the foundation for the development of the future together. If we didn't do this, we'd be constantly surprised by our partner. When this rhythm works well, we feel calm and nourished. When this rhythm is based on conflict and strife, we feel agitated and unbalanced.

Sometimes the very things we do to resolve a situation ensure that the problems will remain or intensify. Through couples therapy, you can explore the patterns that cause you to feel stuck, misunderstood, angry, or lonely. We will sort out the feelings and default strategies that are or aren't working, find different solutions that will pull you through the tough times you're experiencing, and create new patterns so you and your partner can move forward together again.

Couples therapy with me will help you create an emotionally intelligent relationship. Emotional intelligence is the ability to be in touch with emotions and understand and get along with others. In addition, you will learn how to keep your negative thoughts and feelings from overwhelming the positive ones.

As you learn to have a healthy relationship, you will be better able to understand, honor, and respect each other.

While you will learn better communication skills — such as active listening and non-violent communication — in couples therapy, better conflict resolution alone is unlikely to save a marriage. Despite the fact that unconditional empathy and understanding lessen conflicts, it's nearly impossible for most couples to do this well. What works so well when we're calm and rested, often goes out the window the second we're angry, tired, or stressed.

What we need to focus on instead is the ability to create a sound loving foundation. This is the key to "fair fights." It's like putting money in the bank for a rainy day. When we put the effort into building a solid foundation, the arguments that do occur sit temporarily atop that positive base. Successful couples therapy is not just about resolving fights, but also about focusing on what you're doing when you're not fighting. It's the small, high-frequency acts of love and caring that make all the difference. And it's the ability to address your fears and frustrations with your partner early on before things get worse.

In couples therapy, you will both learn key components of successful relationships that will keep you make your marriage a happy one. Some of these skills are:

• How to pay attention to what is working well.
• How to repair during and after a fight.
• How to start a potentially serious discussion that will lead to the outcome you want.
• How to solve "unsolvable" problems.
• How to keep the sexual relationship alive.
• How to courageously express your dreams, wishes, and hopes so your partner will listen.

Affairs — A Few Words to Remember

Good people in good marriages are having affairs.

I have worked with numerous people who have been torn apart by the grief, rage, guilt, and remorse that naturally result from their infidelity or their partner's betrayal. In many cases, the affair is not the actual cause of the breakdown in the relationship. Rather, the breakdown is the result of a host of factors preceding the affair.

Unfortunately, many couples wait until after an affair has occurred or been discovered before seeking professional help. At this point, each partner is trying to make sense of what has happened and decide how to move forward, whether it be together or apart.

Most infidelity that I encounter in my work with couples is not due to the promiscuity of one partner seeking a thrill. Most people unwittingly form deeply passionate connections with others before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Well-intentioned people who had not planned to stray find themselves betraying not only their partners but their own values as well.

As opportunities for encounters at work, online, or with friends of friends increase, the boundary between platonic and romantic feelings can blur and it becomes easier to cross that line. Secret emotional intimacy is the first warning sign of impending betrayal. Even if you are in a loving marriage, you may still be at risk for an affair. In therapy I can help you learn to create appropriate boundaries where needed.

While some people do engage in brief sexual affairs, most affairs are emotional rather than purely sexual. People are not just getting into bed with one another but entering into heartfelt connections with affair partners. These kinds of affairs are devastating for all the participants. Often, feelings of dissatisfaction start to feel overwhelming and the person fantasizes about feeling fulfilled somewhere else — regardless of whether that fulfillment is emotional or sexual.

However, there are steps you can take to keep your relationship or marriage safe. In our work together, we can explore the helpfulness of two emotions: guilt and jealousy. We can also repair your relationship after emotional or sexual infidelity has derailed it, working through the resulting traumatic maze back to a sense of trust.

I don't make judgements about whether affairs are, in themselves, good or bad. What may be enhancing for one may be devastating for another. But, without consent, an ongoing affair will likely destroy a relationship.

I also don't view couples that have gone through an affair as being comprised of a victim and victimizer. Both partners contribute to the occurrence of an affair. I encourage both of you to examine your accountability in the relationship. Rather than assign blame, my goal is to help both of you confront those parts of yourselves that led to the affair.

The two of you must decide whether or not to stay together. But, regardless of your decision, it is important for both of you to explore your reasons for staying or leaving, trying again or giving up. Your decision needs to be deliberate, not based on feelings alone.

Through the course of couples therapy, we will normalize your feelings, help you decide whether to recommit or leave, and if you choose to recommit, I will guide you through the steps necessary for rebuilding a healthy relationship.

Most couples wait far too long before seeking professional assistance, suffering through months or years of unnecessary pain and frustration. While it's never too late to seek help, why wait until it feels like it may be too late? If you value your relationship and yourself, don't you owe it to yourself to make your relationship the best it can be? If so, contact me today at 650-949-0456 or therapist@martielvebak.com to find out how I can help your relationship be the best it's ever been!